Couple-tastic! » Tips

Is Someone Leading You On?

coupletastic — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:28:52 +0000

Is your relationship legit or is your partner just leading you on?

Sometimes when a relationship starts intentions are good but, over time those feelings may change from active to passive. Or, maybe a partner was hedging their bets all along, wanting to have someone who’s “good for now”, but not interested in you for the long term. Would you know if this was happening to you in your relationship?

People who lead others on are being manipulative. They prey on a person who cares about them and trusts them. They know they are keeping their partner in a state of suspended animation, but as long as it suits them to have the person in their life (for companionship or just for sex), they will keeping things going.

Often, women especially are led along by hope. Hope that their partner is the guy they dreamed about. Hope that his feelings will grow. Hope that things will change and get better (or go back to the way they were in the beginning). But, this is an especially good time to listen to your gut. If you’re not feeling cherished, loved or cared for by an equal partner while dating…something is wrong.

So, how can you tell if this is happening to you?

Does your partner keep you at arms length? They don’t let you get close enough for you to feel that you’re officially together or that you have a future together. This leaves you constantly wondering if you’re exclusive or where you stand with them. You rarely feel secure or sure about their feelings for you.
Do their words and actions match? They say things to make you feel that they love you and have a future with you, but their actions show the opposite. They are rarely the one moving the relationship forward. They say yes to things and don’t follow through.
Are you doing all the work? They respond to your calls and texts, but rarely initiate. They agree to see you as long as you make the plans. You might even be paying for all the dates with him.
Is there subtle evidance of other people in their life? They are busy on weekend nights? Do they call you at the last minute to go out or for a booty call? Is their phone is off when they are with you or they get lots of calls and texts that they don’t answer when they are with you?
Are you being told to wait or that they are not a good bet? People like this try to keep your expectations low. They bemoan their uncertainty about relationships in general, they tell you that they might be a bad boyfriend/girlfriend or suggest that you’re just friends even when you’re sleeping together.
Is sex the only thing on the menu? They are happy to sleep with you, but are unwilling to offer you anything more. They make excuses if you ask for more (they are too busy, they are uncertain, they can’t make decisions).
Is your partner actively working to preserve the status quo? Especially if you’re long-distance -they are fine with the status quo and aren’t trying to see you more often, move to be near you or escalate the relationship. If you’re local, they want to keep the relationship as just dating or just sex and don’t want to ”put labels” on you or what you mean to one another.

This kind of one-sided relationship happens to just about everyone at one time or another. You may even have found yourself leading someone on – whether intentionally or not. But, how do you handle it if you suspect that someone is leading you on?

Call them on it. Don’t let someone waste your time or as Greg Behrendt says in the book, He’s Just Not That Into You… “don’t waste the pretty!” Force the issue and ask flat out what their feelings for you are and share that you expect them to be a more active partner. Then set a date and see if they do what you’ve asked or if they have just paid you lip service yet again, and ignored the conversation.
Walk Away. If you stick around when you realize that someone might be leading you on, you’re basically telling the other person that you’re ok with being treated as “less than.” If you stand up and walk away, there’s a chance that they will not want to lose you and make things right. If they let you leave, you just saved yourself a whole lot of wasted time and emotion. You’ll get the answer you seek either way when you walk away.

Have you found yourself being lead on by someone? What happened? How did you handle it?

Photo credit: historic.brussels’ Flickr photostream

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Do You Have the Guts To Trust?

coupletastic — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:49:20 +0000

Is your inability to trust ruining your relationships?

Contrary to popular opinion, trust really isn’t something your partner should have to earn. It should be there from the start (unless proven otherwise, of course). That’s because, the key ingredient necessary to trust someone else, is to be able to trust yourself.

Trusting yourself requires that you be present and aware of your emotions and also willing to follow your instincts when you have them. Your gut will always identify and warn you against potential partners who aren’t trustworthy. But, you actually need to listen to your gut. So, stop ignoring it.

If you’ve never read Gavin DeBecker’s “The Gift of Fear” get on it. The book talks about the “brilliant internal guardian” that warns you from potentially dangerous people and situations. His premise is that you should always listen to what your gut is telling you.

In fact, according to a story in New Scientist, “it turns out that because our emotions emerge from our unconscious mind, from our internal supercomputer, they tend to reflect more information than our rational mind.” Translation: our gut instinct can save us from a lot of grief. It we learn to trust ourselves and our gut’s ability to keep us safe, we can then be confident in our ability to trust others and know that we will always be safe to love.

Many people suppress or ignore their gut instinct because they don’t understand it,or how it works. Your subconscious is storing incredible amounts of information and processing it all in the background at super speed. At the same time, that same subconscious is picking up on body language, tone of voice, sounds, sights, smells, etc. that you don’t even register consciously and processing it all at enormous rates of speed and spitting it back out as the findings we call gut feelings.

So, how do you learn to trust your gut? Here are some great tips from Cosmopolitan:

“Intuition is like a muscle,” says Gert Gigerenzer, PhD, author ofGut Feelings, “It gets stronger with use.” So give it a workout by following your instinct with inconsequential choices, such as whether to wear jeans or black pants. Assuming both look great on, it doesn’t matter which you go for. But this exercise gets you in the habit of relying on gut reactions instead of analyzing (“I wore jeans the other day, so I guess I’ll do the pants”). Eventually, listening to your inner voice will become second nature and help you out with important decisions.

Having trouble tuning in to your gut? Jump-start it by making a logical decision, but before doing anything, take stock of how you feel about that conclusion. Say you’re dating two guys. Pick the one who makes more sense (has a better job, etc.). If your heart sinks, you know the other guy is right.

Just remember that your intuition’s power depends on the breadth of your experience. Example: While someone who cooks regularly can wing a recipe with terrific results, a less practiced chef should probably stick to the instructions. “In unfamiliar territory, give practical thinking added weight,” notes Gigerenzer. “The unconscious and conscious minds were designed to work in tandem.”

Sure, getting involved in any relationship is a risk, but if both people don’t have the capacity for trust and offer it from the start, intimacy can really never develop. So, it’s time to check the baggage from old relationships behind you and start working out that intution so you can enter into a new relationship fresh, with new eyes. So, get practicing and start trusting that gut…

Are there certain behaviors that are causing you to not trust your partner(s), or do you have unresolved issues that are preventing you from trusting others?

Photo credit: The Sean & Lauren Spectacular’s Flickr photostream

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Feng Shui Your Way to Love

coupletastic — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 02:29:45 +0000

I don’t know about you, but when I was single I was open to trying new things that might bring me to find true love. I was more than happy to do online dating, go on blind dates, get a makeover, join Meet Up groups, organize post-work happy hours. I just wanted to be open to all the possibilities out there. I will admit that I even had a friend come over to help me Feng Shui my condo.

Crazy, you say? I dunno. First of all, it was very fun. Secondly, I did end up finding Mr. Right. So, who knows maybe it really worked?

Feng shui is a system, that teaches how the things around you can effect your life, then helps you to bring those things into harmony to those to create more opportunity to live the life that you really want to live.

Feng shui translates into English literally as ‘wind and water’, and it is the varying interactions between the two that forms ‘chi’, otherwise known as energy. Chi is at the core of feng shui. Understanding how these interactions take place, and the different types of energy occurring as a result can help you to make positive life changes, in all areas, including health, family, relationships and career.

How do I feng shui my home to attract love, you ask? Well, I came across this cool article that came out today in Om Times Magazine, entitled, “Find True Love By Valentine’s Day with Feng Shui” that had some good tips…and then I added in a few of my own…

Make sure that your bedroom has balance – not too masculine or too feminine.
Clear up the clutter in your home – especially in your love and relationship corner (the southwest section of your bedroom and home - get a compass folks)
Make room in your bedroom for a potential partner. Do you have two nightstands? Is there any room in your closet for a partner to keep things? Set up your bedroom the way you’d have it if you already share it with a partner. Make sure one side of your bed isn’t jammed up against the wall.
Is there anything in your home that might indicate that you are blocking yourself from finding the true love you want? If you have a lot of photos of single people, exchange them for pictures of happy couples or groups of people.
Make sure that the front door to your home opens a full 90 degrees so that good energy can fully flow into your home.
Mandarin ducks are popular symbols of lovers and potent symbol of marital bliss. Place a pair of mandarin ducks in the Southwest corner of your living room or bedroom. Mandarin ducks will activate your love and marriage chi which will bring happiness and ever-lasting love to your life.
A mirror facing the bed from any side, for example ceiling, wall, closet door or dressing table, which reflects the couple on the bed is bad feng shui. This could create a failure in the relationship due to a third party interference or infidelities. If you can’t move the mirrors in the bedroom so they are not facing the bed, use a cloth and cover the mirror when both your mate and you are sleeping.

That’s a pretty good start if you haven’t tried feng shui before. Give it a try – it’s fun…if you really like it there are great books like this that can be a big help. At the very least, your house won’t be a cluttered mess anymore – which will impress dates!

Have you ever tried feng shui? Would you give it a try?

If you’re interested in more feng shui, here are a couple of additional good additional articles:

LA Times

Chicago Tribune

Photo credit: trioptikmal’s flickr photostream

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Are You With A Cheater?

coupletastic — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:48:47 +0000

Just about everyone in their dating and relationship career has the misfortune of encountering a cheater. Sometimes it’s a player who you thought you were dating exclusively, sometimes it’s a spouse who is having an emotional relationship at work. Whatever form it comes in, it sucks…it’s horrible and life altering.

Interestingly, when someone can’t stay faithful, it’s about a flaw in the cheater, not with you. A lot of people who’ve been cheated on wonder what they must be lacking somehow for their partner to stray. But the reality is, it has nothing to do with you. If the most amazingly gogeous, smart and interesting women in the world can be cheated on – Ellen Nordgren, Jennifer Anniston, Halle Berry, Ivana Trump, Princess Diana, Elizabeth Hurley, Uma Thurman, Sienna Miller, etc. – I hope that shows you that it can happen to anyone. It’s not your fault, you’re just with a person who has a very flawed character.

When you suspect that someone is not as committed to you as they are saying, lots of emotions bubble to the surface – anger, paranoia, fear, sadness…you name it, you’ll feel it. You’ll start living looking over your shoulder, analyzing every sentence uttered, stalking, questioning, wondering why they take so long to run errands or are late at work. It’s a miserable, miserable way to live.

Sometimes those feelings are justified (gut feelings are rarely wrong)…but other times it can just be our own fear and insecurity. Do you know how to tell the difference? Do you have any proof?

Here are some ways that you can tell that your partner is cheating:

Lack of Transparency With Phone Calls & Text Messages: Sometimes when your spouse/partner is cheating on you they may make their phone calls more discreet. If they would normally take their calls when you are in the room, then out of no where, your spouse might hide their calls or walk into a different room so that you are out of the hearing range. Also, if your partner used to leave their cell phone lying aroung and now they are constantly hiding their phone from you then something might be up. If your spouse used to let their text message inbox get full no all of a sudden they are deleting their messages or there are gaps in the conversation then most likely there is something they don’t want you to see.
Changes In Appearance: If your spouse starts changing up their style out of no where and wearing different cologne or perfume, there may be someone that they are trying to impress. And, if your guy starts paying more attention to their appearance – hair, cologne, new clothes - maybe something is going on.
Detecting Lying: Sometimes when people lie they tend to not be able to maintain eye contact or look you in the face. Of they become defensive if you ask where they have been. Its not always easy to tell when someone is lying because some people are just natural born liars.
Spending A Lot of Time on The Computer: In today’s world, with modern technology, a person looking for an affair doesn’t even have to leave their home. The ease of internet chat rooms, online dating sites and secret email accounts has caused an alarming increase in emotional affairs.
Big Changes in Work Schedule: All of a sudden there are more late nights, more business trips, breakfast meetings when your partner never had them before.

If you find yourself looking for excuses for your spouse’s behavior or trying to convince yourself that they would never cheat then that is a warning sign. Your intuition is frequently one of the best indicators that something is wrong. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then talk to him/her about what you’ve found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies.

Ultimately, trust your gut instinct but having hard, cold proof also helps to put the issue to bed once and for all. If you don’t find any proof, then you may need to consider that you’re chasing shadows that aren’t, in fact, actually there.

Have you ever detected a cheater? What gave it away? Was your gut ultimately correct?

Photo credit: denharsh’s Flickr photostream
Read more: How to Tell If Your Spouse Is Cheating On You | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4835632_tell-spouse-cheating.html#ixzz1kzqZUcxW Spending a large amount of time on the computer.

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REBLOG: The Top 10 Relationship Words That Are Not Translatable Into English

coupletastic — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:01:32 +0000

I read a lot of blogs…lots. I truly find what other people write about fascinating! My husband has gotten into it too. Last week, he sent me the following piece…It’s pretty awesome, so I thought it would be fun to share it here.

I definitely recommend checking out this site, big think. On the site, Pamela Haag writes a section called Marriage 3.0.

Here’s her article:

Here are my top ten words, compiled from online collections, to describe love, desire and relationships that have no real English translation, but that capture subtle realities that even we English speakers have felt once or twice. As I came across these words I’d have the occasional epiphany: “Oh yeah! That’s what I was feeling…”

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start. Oh yes, this is an exquisite word, compressing a thrilling and scary relationship moment. It’s that delicious, cusp-y moment of imminent seduction. Neither of you has mustered the courage to make a move, yet. Hands haven’t been placed on knees; you’ve not kissed. But you’ve both conveyed enough to know that it will happen soon… very soon.

Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends. From what I glean, in common usage yuanfen means the “binding force” that links two people together in any relationship. But interestingly, “fate” isn’t the same thing as “destiny.” Even if lovers are fated to find each other they may not end up together. The proverb, “have fate without destiny,” describes couples who meet, but who don’t stay together, for whatever reason. It’s interesting, to distinguish in love between the fated and the destined. Romantic comedies, of course, confound the two.

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.

Retrouvailles (French): The happiness of meeting again after a long time. This is such a basic concept, and so familiar to the growing ranks of commuter relationships, or to a relationship of lovers, who see each other only periodically for intense bursts of pleasure. I’m surprised we don’t have any equivalent word for this subset of relationship bliss. It’s a handy one for modern life.

Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time. Apparently, in 2004, this word won the award as the world’s most difficult to translate. Although at first, I thought it did have a clear phrase equivalent in English: It’s the “three strikes and you’re out” policy. But ilunga conveys a subtler concept, because the feelings are different with each “strike.” The word elegantly conveys the progression toward intolerance, and the different shades of emotion that we feel at each stop along the way.

Ilunga captures what I’ve described as the shade of gray complexity in marriages—Not abusive marriages, but marriages that involve infidelity, for example. We’ve got tolerance, within reason, and we’ve got gradations of tolerance, and for different reasons. And then, we have our limit. The English language to describe this state of limits and tolerance flattens out the complexity into black and white, or binary code. You put up with it, or you don’t. You “stick it out,” or not.

Ilunga restores the gray scale, where many of us at least occasionally find ourselves in relationships, trying to love imperfect people who’ve failed us and whom we ourselves have failed.

La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have. When I came across this word I thought of “unrequited” love. It’s not quite the same, though. “Unrequited love” describes a relationship state, but not a state of mind. Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.

Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love. This is different than “love at first sight,” since it implies that you might have a sense of imminent love, somewhere down the road, without yet feeling it. The term captures the intimation of inevitable love in the future, rather than the instant attraction implied by love at first sight.

Ya’aburnee (Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them. The online dictionary that lists this word calls it “morbid and beautiful.” It’s the “How Could I Live Without You?” slickly insincere cliché of dating, polished into a more earnest, poetic term.

Forelsket: (Norwegian): The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love. This is a wonderful term for that blissful state, when all your senses are acute for the beloved, the pins and needles thrill of the novelty. There’s a phrase in English for this, but it’s clunky. It’s “New Relationship Energy,” or NRE.

Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.” It’s interesting that saudade accommodates in one word the haunting desire for a lost love, or for an imaginary, impossible, never-to-be-experienced love. Whether the object has been lost or will never exist, it feels the same to the seeker, and leaves her in the same place: She has a desire with no future. Saudade doesn’t distinguish between a ghost, and a fantasy. Nor do our broken hearts, much of the time.

So, what do you think? Cool, huh? Do any of these words resonate with you?

Image credit: GRwitters’ Flickr photostream

Please Stow Your Baggage…

coupletastic — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:00:42 +0000

What toll does our emotional baggage take on our ability to have a successful relationship?

When we start any new relationship we bring lots of our past into that new dynamic. Of course, most of us call it baggage…

So, what is baggage? Urban dictionary defines emotional baggage as:

Painful memories, mistrust and hurt carried around from past sexual or emotional rejection.

Past hurts? We all have them and I think that we all also take those past hurts for granted. We survive them and then push forward to move on. Unfortunately, we rarely actively deal with our baggage, even when we know that we have a full set.

Are the effects of past hurts negatively impacting your ability to be present in your relationship or your ability to be a good partner? Are you making your current date or significant other pay for the sins of your exes?

Today, let’s talk about how to identify if your emotional baggage is sabotaging your relationship. Following are 5 signs that your baggage is getting in the way.:

1. You Project. People struggling with baggage are often consumed with self-doubt. What makes this self-doubt even worse is that, as you see the worst in yourself, you also begin assuming the same of others. If, for example, you go on a first date and are feeling nervous and quick to judge, you might automatically assume that your date is judging you just as harshly. This, in turn, could make you defensive. Projecting kills a relationship before it even starts. Don’t assume…

2. You’re Paranoid. If you’ve been burned in the past, it’s normal to be concerned about cheating. But in order for a relationship to work, you have to learn to trust. If you don’t fully trust your partner—or even if you do, and are just being very cautious—your paranoia can manifest itself in some extremely unattractive ways: clinginess, neediness, breaches in privacy. A sure fire way to get someone to want to RUN away from a relationship with you.

3. You Compare To Your Ex. This behavior goes beyond paranoia. If you see your date smile in a certain way—or utter a certain phrase — you might immediately think of your abusive ex, or that immature idiot you rebounded with, or that terrible one-night stand — you’re letting your past drag you down. It’s important to remind yourself that he/she is not your ex. Let each experience speak for itself.

4. You Throw Walls Up. In order to fully commit to each other, you’ll need to know each other pretty darn well. Holding back on emotions, or reliving painful events from the past in ways that impact your present, can keep a relationship stagnant. So ask yourself: what have you been keeping from him or her, and why? Chances are, the other person can tell you’re hiding something, and I’m sure they would rather hear about it than be stonewalled.

5. You Won’t Commit. Often, the fear of tying oneself down can indicate a deeper problem. If you’re not giving any of your relationships half a chance, it’s time to do some soul-searching. There’s nothing wrong with being single, but is it what you really want? And if it’s not, what’s making you hesitate when you come across the possibility of love?

Baggage is not a joke. So, if you suspect that your past hurts are holding you back in your life, it’s time to get to work on repairing them. I recommend working on it with a therapist so that you are as healthy as possible when you enter your next relationship.

What do you think is the most common type of baggage? Have you dealt with your baggage or is it getting in the way of love in your future?

Thank you to YourTango.com for sharing the 5 signs…

Photo credit: Noel Zia Lee’s Flickr Photostream

Singles: Rock the Holidays!

coupletastic — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:22:16 +0000

Here come the holidays.

For just about everyone this is a time of stress, exhaustion and too many sweets. But, if you are in-between relationships there are a whole different set of challenges and frustrations. Whether tired of all the family questions about your marital status, sick of your Aunt Judy trying to set you up with her daughter’s elementary school teacher or just sad about spending a holiday solo….today, I want to share some ideas for how you can turn the holiday blues on their head and see this as a season of big opportunites… Here goes:

Don’t dread holiday parties – flip the dialogue and try to see all the holiday parties and events as an opportunity to circulate MORE. Maybe set a goal to – make one new friend, go to absolutely everything you’re invited to, meet one new guy or maybe make eye-contact/smile at 10 eligible men. Use the season to set a simple goal or challenge for yourself and take a step out beyond your comfort zone.
We all get sick of everyone asking when you’re going to get married…so make the most of your time at home. Observe the relationships in your family life – what did they teach you about love and relationships? What types of relationships are in your life? Do you want to be like them or opposite of them? Can you identify any family dynamics that have damaged you or that hold you back? Use the time to take stock of yourself and identify any patterns you need to be aware of or fix so you can have a healthy relationship in 2012.
Stop thinking about “poor me” and start thinking of other people. Often getting outside of ourselves can make a profound difference in our outlook. Volunteer–it’s the best depression-buster. Donate your time at a shelter, food pantry, soup kitchen, domestic violence center - so many people really need YOU and your help. So many people have it a whole lot worse than we do, so step out of your comfort zone and give back. Plus, who knows who you might meet? (PS - If your depression won’t lift, please do go see your doctor.)
Consider that the glass is half full. It’s been proven, people who practice gratitude can increase their levels of happiness by as much as 25%. Do you appreciate what you DO have in your life or are you always lamenting what’s missing? Practice switching your outlook to begin a fresh new year focusing on how lucky you are to: be healthy, to have so many great friends, to have a great job that allows you to pay your bills, that you have great hair…you name it! If you believe that what you think about, you create (I do!) you don’t want to be bringing negative stuff into your life by focusing on lack. Start believing that the things you want are on their way to you. (Read The Secret if you haven’t already…)
Set goals for next year! I’m sure you don’t want next year to just be a repeat of this year….so what are YOU going to do to make it different? Please don’t wish your life away…be an active participant in getting what you want most. Stop waiting to do all those things you are saving to do with a significant other – start doing them! Build the best, most happy life you can – you’ll be shocked at how that shift brings great new things to you. People like being around happy people…so embace your life and make it what you most want it to be, that’s the surest way to attract someone to you.

So, yes…traditionally, holiday time is the most ego-eroding of seasons for singles – but it doesn’t have to be. What are you going to do to take the most advantage of what the holidays have to offer? Share your ideas and resolutions here with us…

Photo credit: Shandi-lee’s Flickr photostream

The Art of A Graceful (and Grown-up) Break Up

coupletastic — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:52:21 +0000

Over the course of our lives there are going to be times where we will have to leave a relationship. No one is immune…we will all be broken-up with and we will all have to break-up with someone. It’s supposed to be character-building. Yeah, right…it basically sucks either way you slice it.

But, no one ever teaches you how to break-up with someone the right way. On TV and in movies we saw Carrie on Sex and the City get broken-up with on a post-it note. Rhett told Scarlett that, “frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” and slammed a door in her face. John Cusack was given a pen in Say Anything. But what are today’s rules for breaking up?

Here’s my best advice…the common thread in all of what’s to follow is this mantra: don’t be a douche, do the right thing. No matter how hard you think it will be, you’ll ultimaetly be glad that you were the bigger person.

In today’s world of online dating, you can go out on a couple of dates with someone new to see if you are a match. In that case, if you’re just not a match and you’ve only been on 1-2 dates not calling and not returning a call = breaking up. A break-up conversation isn’t really necessary.
However, if you have had a “real” relationship. Meaning, if you slept with them or if you went on more than 6 dates with someone, break up in person or by phone.
As a rule, don’t break up with people over email, text or social media. It’s the coward’s way out. Grow a pair and don’t be like Britney Spears, who broke up with her husband, Kevin Federline via text. Super tacky!
Just in the same way that you would want the chance to present your side and ask questions…give your soon-to-be ex the same respect by having a conversation about it.

So, if you have to do it…how do you do it? Just stick to the truth – Here’s a script you can use:

I’m sorry, but it’s just not working for me. I’m not happy. I don’t think we should see one another any more. (lather, rinse, repeat)

Just to be clear, there is absolutely no reason to go into details, to take the inventory of your ex-in-process, or to give a verbal beating. Just be calm, clear and focus on what’s not working for YOU in the relationship. Don’t get sucked into a fight, name-calling or unnecesary drama. Just keep repeating the above, put an end to the conversation and move on.

For more break-up tips, check out this article.

Photo credit: Unlisted Sightings’ Flickr photostream

Are You Even Ready For A Relationship?

coupletastic — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:16:52 +0000

Happy Cyber Monday everyone!

This morning while I was trying to forumlate a decent Christmas shopping list, I was thinking about what I wanted to write about today. In mining the long topic list in my head, it occured to me….how can someone ever be couple-tastic if they aren’t really ready for a relationship?

If you surveyed 100 people, I would bet that 99 of them would tell you that they absolutely want to be in a relationship. Interestingly, however, there is nothing out there that actually prepares you to be ready for or that explains what a real relationship should be like. (I’m thinking I could be the first to create and offer a relationship readiness training bootcamp – how about that? ) As a result we all flounder around fitting square pegs into round holes, watching misleadingly dramatic movie relationships and getting freaked out by the divorces around us until eventually over a lot of time, we learn enough about ourselves, what we can handle, and what we actually want, to be able to identify the real right person.

Unfortunately, until that moment of self- awareness actually happens we struggle through a myriad of Mr. and Ms. Wrongs that make us doubt ourselves, our sanity and our ability to be strong enough to handle a relationship.

Well, the good news is you can definitely handle it. But, the bigger question is, are you really ready for it? What are you even doing to prepare for “the one” (besides wishing, that is?).

Relationships are a big freaking deal, folks. They are not for the faint of heart and they are certainly not for quitters.

Finding and keeping a good relationship requires a great deal of self-knowledge….Learning what you actually want in a mate – beyond the superficial level - is incredibly important. What’s on your list of non-negotiables? What are your must-have’s in a partner? How have those two lists changed over time as you’ve dated more and more? That’s the key thing to note – what have you learned about yourself and your needs from all these dating duds?

It’s also really important for you to feel good about yourself. Happy people attract other happy people. No one wants to date Debbie Downer, right? So, if you’re gearing up to find “the one”, you might want to spend some time getting to really know YOU.

Here are some really good things to think about in the quest to prepare yourself for a relationship:

Are you comfortable spending time by yourself? A person who’s ready to be in a relationship is comfortable with who he or she already is. Do you already strike a balance between spending time with friends on Saturday and spending time by yourself on Sunday? And by “time” I don’t mean an hour spent alone getting ready to go out with people. I mean quality time alone in a park, or a museum, or just sitting at home reading a good book (NOT chatting on the Internet or watching TV!). The goal of spending time by yourself is to build mental and emotional self-reliance and, ultimately, to become your own best friend. Only then will you have the emotional resources to intimately share your life with someone on a long-term basis.

Do you like yourself? Have you ever seen the play RENT? There’s a great line from the show that says, “You’ll never share real love until you love yourself.” It’s so true! If you don’t like yourself, if your self-esteem is in the toilet and sinking fast, it’s natural to try to find someone else to make you feel better about yourself: “Hey! He likes me! I must be an okay person.” Finding someone else to boost your self-image is the worst possible thing you can do. If you need help with this, it’s absolutely ok to seek out a therapist to work with you on your self image. FYI – abusers like people who don’t like themselves, so don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position. Be the best you, that you can be.

Have you ever lived alone? So many of us go from living at home with our parents to living with college roommates to living with a significant other, to living with several significant others in succession that we don’t know how to live by and with ourselves. This relates back to question number one, above. Living alone forces us to sometimes be alone – even when we’d rather not. Living alone also forces you to become a responsible, self-reliant person. In other words, a grown-up. Bills have to be paid on time, the toilet has to be unstopped, and trash has to be taken out – and there’s no one else around to do these things but you. Captain obvious moment: people who make the best candidates for a stable long-term relationship are grown-ups. And they’re going to limit their search for Mr. or Ms. Forever to people they can tell are fellow grown-ups.

Are you solidly on a career path or slumming it? You may be the best hamburger assembler on the planet, but if you’re switching crappy jobs every six weeks, people looking for a long-term romance are going to pass you over in favor of someone stable every time. Why? People want to be with someone they can admire. So build the best YOU possible. Plus, self-improvement builds self-esteem. Self-esteem builds healthy, long-term relationships.

Are you emotionally mature enough? You pay your bills on time, have a spotless refrigerator and can wash a car with the best of them, but every time you get into a relationship you’re calling his or her cell phone every half hour on the half hour “just because I need to.” If something bad happens to you at work, it’s never your fault. Come to think of it, none of your past break-ups were in any way your fault, either! Grow up. And think. You probably don’t want to spend the rest of your life with some clingy, needy, immature, whiny person who never acknowledges his or her own errors and who never makes amends when something goes wrong. That wouldn’t be very much fun, right? Well, guess what? If you’re like that yourself – and be honest, you could be and not even know it – no one is going to want to spend the rest of his or her life with you. So banish, Mr. or Ms. Needy stat!

Let’s discuss….what are you doing to prepare for Mr. or Ms. Right? What have you learned about yourself and your needs from your past relationships?

These great tips came from here…

Photo credit: jurvetson’s Flickr photostream

Show Some Gratitude, Will Ya?

coupletastic — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 14:31:07 +0000

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you are all safely snuggled up at home with friends, family and loved ones today…preferably by a roaring fireplace and enjoying a nice adult beverage.

So what’s Thanksgiving all about? Why, being thankful, of course! And, being grateful for all the wonderful things that you DO have in your life.

We all have a tendency to focus on the half-empty part of the glass, don’t we? What we long for, what we feel is missing… So today, let’s instead focus on all the things that we are happy and grateful to have in our lives. For me, I’m grateful for my wonderful husband, my sweet little dog and our cozy home. I’m grateful that we have paying jobs and that we are healthy. I’m grateful that we have supportive families and amazing friends. And, I’m grateful for all of you who read this blog! Thank you for joining me in my musings.

What are you grateful for?

So, it wouldn’t be a Couple-tastic post if I didn’t drop some research or something to think about on you, right? How about we think a little bit about whether we are expressing our gratitude enough to those around us? Life moves very fast and it’s easy to forget to show our love and appreciation.

Overall, gratitude has two powerful influences on positive relationship behavior. When we express gratitude to a partner, we increase the chances that they will behave well towards us in the future. When we feel gratitude, we increase the chance that we will behave well towards them. If our partner feels grateful for our good behavior as well, then a positive cycle develops. Everybody is grateful…and everybody behaves lovingly.

Focus on both the feeling and expression of gratitude to create a good interaction. This is important, whether it is a first date, or after years of marriage. Follow these tips:

1) Feel Gratitude - Pay attention to the positive and supportive behaviors of your date or mate. Take note when they do something positive and effortful that benefits you. This will bring out your feelings of appreciation, gratitude, and thankfulness for their efforts. It will also motivate you to value your partner and treat him/her well in return.

2) Show Thanks – Also, when you notice that your partner has done something good for you, be sure to thank them. Show them that you appreciate their efforts. Write them a note. Say thank you. Give them a kiss or a hug. Do something nice in return. Such expressions of gratitude will motivate his/her future loving behavior. It serves as a reinforcement to encourage the behaviors you desire as well.

3) Look for Appreciation – Because gratitude motivates loving behavior, it is important that your date or mate is grateful for what you do for them too. So, do something loving for them (that you know is important to them and they like). Then, see whether they notice, appreciate it, and show gratitude in some way. If they do, then a positive cycle of gratitude and loving behavior can develop between you both. Keep it up! If they don’t appreciate your efforts, however, especially after multiple attempts, then other influence might be warranted.

4) Troubleshoot (When Necessary) – If you seem to have an ungrateful partner, there are a four fixes to try:

First, make sure your loving behaviors are what THEY want and need. Gratitude is created by you being responsive to their needs, not just doing what you want (even if it is a lot of work).
Second, make sure that you are not missing their appreciative behaviors. Sometimes partners do “thankful” things that are easy to miss, or don’t mean much to you. So, keep your eyes peeled. Also, talk with them. Tell them what YOU like. See whether they do it.
Third, evaluate whether your partner is invested in the relationship and appreciates you in general. Doing too much for them, without asking for things in return, can result in you being taken for granted…not appreciated. If that is the case, then take a break, ask for things, and let them put something into the relationship.
Finally, if none of those solutions work, or you find yourself with an ungrateful date at the beginning, it might be a good idea to re-evaluate your options. When someone is truly unappreciative, think about dumping them for someone who is thankful. Otherwise, it can be a long, loveless, and thankless journey.

I hope these tips and thoughts were helpful to you today! Happy Thanksgiving!

Let’s discuss what you are grateful to have in your life and what more you could do to show the people important to you that you are grateful for them and all that they do…

Thank you Psychology Today for today’s tips….

Photo credit: David Ashford’s Flickr photostream