I used to work with a woman years ago who had the men in the office scared out of their wits. It wasn’t because she was a tough boss or a demanding coworker…it was because she was totally desperate to land a man.
The truth is that she is and was an awesome person – hilarious, smart, so much fun to be around – but all that was eclipsed by the stigma of desperation. She didn’t think anyone could tell, but just about anyone could smell the desperation from a mile away. She talked about men all the time, she inquired into the marital status of every guy in the office (especially any new guys), she dressed a little trashy, she made men uncomfortable by overly touching them and attempting aggressive flirting. All in all, she was just a hot mess. It was really hard to watch because the more she acted this way, the more the men stayed away.
Desperation creates a horrible, viscious cycle. The more desperate you feel and behave the more it keeps the people you most want to attract away. It’s not something that can easily be hidden either…if you feel it inside, you can bet it’s leaking out in ways you’d never really expect. Guys can tell if you are desperate to settle down and get married right away or trying to beat your biological clock. It makes them feel as if it doesn’t matter to you who you end up with…that you just want to seal the deal, get off the market and start having babies with whoever will agree.
Here are some signs that you might be acting as if you’re desperate:
- You’re always in a relationship and feel unbearably uncomfortable being alone.
- You’re micromanaging your relationship – you have it all planned out and push for commitment right away. You push to know what you mean to one another, try to manipulate an “I love you”, push him to propose, etc. You feel incredible anxiety until you get to the “next stage” of the relationship.
- You accept last minute dates and booty calls.
- You don’t have your own preferences. You want your potential partner to like you so much that you are overly agreeable, don’t voice your own opinions or don’t stand up for yourself.
- You fish for a lot of complements to feel secure and good about yourself.
- You neglect your friendships, your hobbies and your personal interests. (No one wants to date someone who puts their life on hold to secure a relationship.)
- You rationalize bad treatment or drop some of your relationship “must have’s” to make a relationship stick.
The bottom line? If you see yourself in the list above, it’s time to work on realizing how amazing you are, how much fun to be with you are! Focus on developing the life you want to have by working inwardly on yourself, instead of outwardly on others.
Are you happy? Do you have active friendships and social interests? Build these up! And, I’ll tell you a little secret…happy, busy, interesting people attract the MOST interest from the opposite sex. So create that life and watch the relationship prospects line up all down the block.
Final thought….dating isn’t a game – it’s a dance. You teach partners how to treat you by the treatment you accept. It’s a basic human behavior. So expect a lot, expect honesty, stability, smarts, good careers and cherishing behaviors…and don’t accept anything less.
Photo credit: Sailor Coruscant’s Flickr photostream