The Truth Behind “I Don’t Deserve You”…..

pink sunrise

When someone tells you that they are not good enough for you or that they don’t deserve you - believe them.

This is not the time to argue with the person or to try to bolster their self-esteem. Your ears should perk up and you should go on high alert.

This is a more serious problem than you might be inclined to think.  There’s something behind a statement like this. Perhaps your partner has serious low self-esteem, or they know they are doing something deceitful or there’s something in their past that makes them feel unworthy of your love. Ultimately, you need to learn more. I recommend that instead of trying to bolster your partner up, take a moment and ask them “why” they feel that way.  Inquire, and then listen well. Really listen.

Some people think that a statement like this is romantic or endearing. I believe that it’s actually a warning.  Your partner is telling you that they are not good enough for a reason. It’s also not necessarily a complement to the quality of your love – it’s all about them. Someone telling you that they don’t deserve you or are not good enough for you is a big red flag waving in the wind, folks. If this is really the way your partner feels, it will be incredibly difficult for you to have a healthy, meaningful relationship. Their insecurity may, in fact, even end up sabotaging your relationship.  In my personal experience, men usually don’t say this to a woman unless something is weighling very heavily on their conscience.

The lesson here:  if someone you’re in a relationship with tells you that they don’t deserve you or that they are not good enough for you….Believe Them!

I’m going to leave you with this fabulous quote from Greg Behrendt, author of He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.” 

So, has anyone ever told you that they didn’t derserve you or that you were too good for them?  How did it turn out?

Photo credit: Lee Coursey’s flickr photostream

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Author:coupletastic

I'm a married publicist who holds a Master's degree in psychology, with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy. I'd like to make the world a better place...one relationship at a time.

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22 Comments on “The Truth Behind “I Don’t Deserve You”…..”

  1. Dave Randall
    January 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

    AGREED …. You rare right on young lady > Thats happened to me before and it ended up the women were lying cheating types !!!!

  2. January 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm #

    OMG… Yes… you’re absolutely right! I spent 8 months in a mentally abisusive relationship with the last man who said that to me. I should have believed him from the get-go, instead, I felt sorry for him and spent my time trying to boost his ego. I should have RAN…. from the beginning. Good post!

  3. January 12, 2012 at 1:31 am #

    I had an ex- who said just this to me…And she has BPD (Borderline, not Bipolar)…And half the time she was right…she acted in ways that proved her own point and made it so she didn’t deserve anyone; which was tought to watch and be on the receiving end of.

    How did things turn out? She proved her own point and emptied my wallet and left like a theif in the night.

    I had never met anyone remotely like her, so I had no idea what I was dealing with or what I had gotten myself into until I was well into it (she was a widow with three kids; her husbnad stroked out on her, died of a brain anuerysm, a testimony to the seventh circle of hell she put him through. I got off easy; I’m still alive and down a thousand bucks (well more if you count all of my time and money over the course of the relationship), and there are three kids I love and miss dearly who I can’t help! :( She doesn’t deserve her kids well; she treats them like luggage as she roams the earth, drifting from one place to another… I did everything I knew how for her and the kidsN and now she’s gone baby gone. I know it’s what’s best for me, because it gives me a chance to find someone who I can really love and who will truly love me; but it breaks my heart for her that she’s this way and what she’s doing to the kids!

    • January 12, 2012 at 11:09 am #

      I corrected the typoes above…

      I had an ex- who said just this to me…And she has BPD (Borderline, not Bipolar)…And half the time she was right…she acted in ways that proved her own point and made it so she didn’t deserve anyone; which was tough to watch and be on the receiving end of.

      How did things turn out? She proved her own point and emptied my wallet and left like a thief in the night.

      I had never met anyone remotely like her, so I had no idea what I was dealing with or what I had gotten myself into until I was well into it (she was a widow with three kids; her husband stroked out on her, died of a brain aneurysm, a testimony to the seventh circle of hell she put him through. I got off easy; I’m still alive and down a thousand bucks [well more if you count all of my time and money over the course of the relationship], and there are three kids I love and miss dearly who I can’t help! :(

      She doesn’t deserve her kids as well; she treats them like luggage as she roams the earth, drifting from one place to another… I did everything I knew how for her and the kids; and now she’s gone baby gone. I know it’s what’s best for me, because it gives me a chance to find someone who I can really love and who will truly love me; but it breaks my heart for her that she’s this way and what she’s doing to the kids!

    • February 8, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      You’re right, it is always sad when there are kids involved, and it only makes it that much harder. But you did the right thing. I bet you are a bit more apprehensive when you meet women now, huh?

  4. January 12, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    Excellent piece, it highlights how people have begun to use low self-esteem as the new pick up line…. but it also leads to the question: what type of people fall for those line???? I say people whom prefer to be needed as a pose to wanted, which show they are equally unhealthy!!!!

  5. Carla
    January 14, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    Love this post! It is so very true. Any man who has ever told me he didn’t deserve me, eventually proved it. It was very satisfying to have my eyes opened and the confidence to say “You’re right, you don’t.”

    The only time my husband has made a vague statement about his feelings for me is when he told me that I really have no idea how much he loves me. This happened more than four years after we became involved and his comment makes me feel warm inside, because I already feel very loved. He deserves me!

  6. Anna
    January 14, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    Completely agree. Every man that has said that to me has been absolutely right. Anytime you hear those words, run…in the other direction!! And don’t look back :)

  7. January 20, 2012 at 3:37 am #

    Uhm, sometimes , those are the words guys say when they want to soften the blow of a break – up. It’s like, It isn’t you, it’s me. But the truth is, they just want out of the relationship and don’t love the girl anymore, and they’re just just being nice and polite.

  8. Anna
    January 20, 2012 at 6:47 am #

    renxkyoko, yes, that’s true…but there are many guys that say this right from the start, and then pursue a relationship with the woman in question. Basically they are telling the woman the truth about themselves…it’s our job to listen and take action. In other words, believe him and move on. :)

  9. January 24, 2012 at 2:16 am #

    Well, ain’t that the truth! I actually said this to my ex as I was leaving him…. “The next time some guy tells me, ‘Oh I’m not so great…’, I’m going to BELIEVE him!!!” Yeah…this post is dead-on.

  10. Limskaya
    January 25, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

    Well, I’m here to bring a positive story into this.

    At the start of our (back then Internet based) relationship, my boyfriend told me he didn’t deserve me. I listened to him and found out about his rough past, family issues and lack of experience. Yes, he sometimes has low self-esteem, but so do I. I bring my own -big- issues into this relationship.

    But we decided to accept the flaws, listen to what the other had to say and work on it. So far, we’re making it. He moved to my country and we’re together for almost a year. We don’t sabotage each other. No, we learned how to communicate about problems and how to handle them together.

    I support him and he supports me. But at the end of the day, even that doesn’t matter. He loves me and I love him. I hope it’ll stay that way! Whether we deserve each other or not.

  11. February 9, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    First, I want to say thank you for supporting my blog posts. Your post is insightful and so true. Heed the words and not the “warm and fuzzy” that you get from hearing it. So how about a post about people that feed your emotions with words and gifts for months and then all of a sudden they drop kick you without explanation? Now that is a big ‘ouch.’

  12. drgeraldstein
    February 18, 2012 at 11:51 am #

    Of course, the person might say this as a prelude to trying to end the relationship: a variation on the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line. Still, your insight on this point is important. People give us all sorts of information about potential relationship problems that we sometimes choose to ignore. An excellent post. Thank you.

  13. February 24, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    Excellant post!!! So very true…. I have uttered these words, and it is because I can now say my self esteem is very low…. years and years of abuse has put me in a state of turmoil, where I am unsure what to do. Therapy yes, but then I think I don’t deserve anyone. I don’t know how to accept from anyone anything….very hard for me to trust

  14. February 25, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    Reblogged this on A FRESH START and commented:
    Light switch turned on….

  15. Rebecca
    July 10, 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    My boyfriend just told me he doesn’t deserve me. I won’t be able to let it go now. He better tell me why he said it. I know your right and I completely agree with you!!!

  16. Marina
    July 27, 2012 at 5:04 am #

    I’ve told my husband that. I don’t have low self esteem or any strange secrets. I just don’t feel like I could ever wish for as much happiness as I’ve found with him. He treats me like a queen, and he still looks at me with so much love in his expression. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve this.

  17. Nowiknow
    September 4, 2012 at 7:32 am #

    i recently heard those words at first it kinda hurt cause she said I’m too good for her she doesn’t deserve me i deserve someone better so we should end it, that was after 9 months but i can say this post is correct cause shes had a rough past, she was abused by her father and brothers and some previous boyfriends so i think she just doesn’t know how to feel with the way i treat her because i treat her how a female is supposed to be treated well sadly i have to watch her go hope she just doesn’t go bk to the type of guy she usually dates and ends up getting abused again

  18. roro
    December 2, 2012 at 10:38 pm #

    when they say i dont deserve u means they will never change and they know it, because past is past ,and if they really love you they wont let u go because “they dont deserve u” they will stay with u and try to change to better ..

  19. Me
    August 12, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

    I am having those “I don’t deserve her” thoughts, and this article is way wrong! It’s girls before her that screwed us over and screwed us up. I have been accepted before and then the girl called it off. In a Facebook post! That is why I’m having these self-esteem problems. That and my family doesn’t do anything but pick on me about being with her. So “coupletastic”, thank you for making it look like we suck!

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